The First Time
by OnAndOnAndOn
Summary: It's just his luck that the girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with is also the girl who's seen - and caused - him to stumble awkwardly through all his first's.
1. Chapter 1

**September 2nd, First Year Potions Class, Hogwarts**

**The first time James Potter ever had any real contact with Lily Evans was in Potions class on his first morning at Hogwarts.** Sure he had talked to her briefly on the Hogwarts Express but between seeing the castle for the first time and getting Sorted into Gryffindor that small event seemed to have escaped from his mind. She was sitting in front of him with that greasy haired guy with the permanent sneer on his face and seemed to actually be _enjoying_herself. The thought made James want to be sick. Potions was dull, at best and Slughorn was mildly amusing, if you squinted your eyes a bit and didn't listen to what he was saying. And the work was beyond difficult. He didn't understand it. He didn't wantto understand it. But everyone else in the class was busily working away at their cauldrons, seeming to know exactly what to do and he didn't really feel like being labelled the class idiot on the first day of his school life. Sirius was being absolutely no help at all since he had practically passed out on his Potions book, looking as if he didn't have a care in the world; which he didn't really. He was eleven and blissfully ignorant.

James looked around helplessly for a few seconds, gazing down at his book which just looked like a muddle of pointless words arranged randomly and at the board where Slughorn's nearly unrecognisable scrawl was scowling at him and decided he needed help. Now this was an enormous step for the young James Potter. He had never once, in his short but eventful life, asked for help, regardless of how much he might have needed it but now seemed an appropriate time to be trying new things. After all he had promised his parents he would at least try at his schoolwork and he didn't break his promises. He took in a deep breath, prayed that his natural charm – 'cheek' his mother would call it – would pull through and called out to the girl in front of him.

"Uh... Evans?"

In retrospect he figured maybe using her last name wasn't the best way to engage in a friendly conversation, especially after what an arse he had been the day before. She turned; her face blank but her eyes hard. Make it fast Potter, they clearly said, shimmering green. It was a look he would grow accustomed to over the years. James swallowed. Here goes absolutely nothing, he thought before taking a deep breath and saying,

"Um...can I get some help?" he said, forcing his usual confidence into his voice. Why wouldn't she stop looking at him like that? He hadn't done anything wrong! And this was difficult enough without her leering at him like he was complete scum. "Please?" he added meekly when she still didn't say anything.

She sighed dramatically as if he had asked her to do something incredibly, amazing difficult before getting up, rolling her eyes at the boy next to her who smirked back, and coming over to their table. She quickly turned to the correct page in the Potions book and shoved the correct ingredients towards James, scoffing slightly at his untidy desk and at the snoring Sirius next to him. She silently set the bottom of his cauldron alight and then told him in a tight, clipped voice to chop up the long brown sticky things that he had pushed over to Sirius' side of the table because they had been grossing him out so much. Then she was gone, stalking back over to her table and turning her back to him as if he didn't even exist, murmuring something to the Slytherin next to her. James frowned for a second before elbowing Sirius in the face, promptly waking him up, and proceeding to follow the instructions on the page in front of him as carefully as possible, glaring a little at the bubbling cauldron in front of Lily and that greasy haired kid. Even after spending twenty minutes carefully chopping up those revolting brown things to even sizes and having to threaten Sirius into timing exactly how long he spent stirring the gooey mixture so he could get it exact to the second it was clear that Lily and the kid with their sparkling blue potion had clearly outdone James and his thick, pink mess. The bell rang and the class dispersed, James half-heartedly stuffing his books back into his bag and nudging Sirius awake for the thousandth time that day. Walking down the corridors he glimpsed Lily again, laughing happily with her friends and felt himself pout childishly. Asking for help gets no one anywhere, he thought furiously, there was obviously a reason he had never done it before.

**March 9th, 3rd floor corridor, next to the statue of the one legged hag, Hogwarts.**

**The first time James Potter made a girl cry was in second year. It** was truly a sickening feeling to know he was the cause of the small pearly tears welling up in little Lily Evans big green eyes. She brushed them away quickly and angrily. Crying was something she hated doing. Crying in front of James Potter, she found, was a hundred times worse. James of course was at complete loss for words. Crying was bad, it was very, very bad and crying girls was just...beyond bad. It was evil. And he had caused it which obviously made him evil too. He hadn't meant to of course! He would never intentionally make somebody cry. But she had been screaming at him about something or the other, some stupid prank he had played on her greasy little friend Snape that had resulted in him ending up in the Hospital Wing (also an accident!) and he had completely lost his cool, which almost never happened but with Lily it was just so easy to get angry. She was so infuriating with her good grades and shiny eyes and cold indifference to his existence. And the way she absolutely _fawned_over that stupid little Slytherin made him absolutely sick. It was just impossible. She paid so much attention to that greasy haired good for nothing scumbag and then acted like he didn't exist! She was a Gryffindor for god's sake, why didn't she act like it! James remembered thinking a few weeks beforehand that someone should tell her how absolutely stupid she was being and how it was pretty much disgraceful that she was willing to mix with the exact opposite of everything Gryffindor stood for and then maybe she'd drop the little twit. However he never imagined he'd be the one to tell her all of this, yelling through the empty corridors everything he had ever thought about her and that stupid friendship of hers. When he finally stopped yelling and forced himself to look Lily in the eye he felt his anger evaporate on the spot, filling up the empty space with self-loathing. She was crying! Lily Evans was crying. The feisty red head with the big green eyes that were constantly glaring at him and the sensitive temper that always seemed to flare up in his presence was crying. Water was coming out of her eyes. It was unnatural and terrifying and James had to resist the urge to turn and run. She was frowning in this sad pitiful way and her lips were trembling. She was, of course, still glaring but it didn't have the same heat. She was just hurt. James willed himself to open his mouth and say something intelligent and sweet that would fix all the horrible things he had just said but instead all that came out was the sound of an unbroken twelve year olds voice squeaking at the pressure of having to comfort a weeping girl,

"Er..."

Lily snapped out of her sad daze and turned up the heat of her glare, huffing a little as she wiped away the last of the small tears, furious with herself for crying in front of such an insufferable prat.

"You absolute arse Potter! You don't even know me so don't you dare pretend you do. And you don't even know him. You'd rather sit around thinking yourself better than those different from you, rather than try and get to know them! You know nothing about Severus, yet you treat like dirt and you know even less about me but you won't leave me alone. If you took the time or the energy to take your head out of your arse you might be able to figure out why I choose to be friends with someone like him rather than someone _like you_!**"**

She said the last bit with as much menace as possible and turned on her heel to go, ignoring him as he attempted to get the last word in,

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm not good enough to be your friend!"

She was already long gone and the words echoed pathetically around him. He sighed, pushing his hand through his hair before turning and walking off in the opposite direction, shaking his head a little. When he got to the common room he shot straight up the stairs to his dormitory, ignoring the sounds of laughter and fun coming from the fireplace where his best friend sat. He sprawled himself on top of his bed and closed the curtains roughly, angry again. How dare she? He was a way better friend than some snivelling little Slytherin. He was just going to hurt her eventually, James mused, get wrapped up in the Dark Arts or something crazy like that. How could she possibly think he was a better person than him! He wasn't! He couldn't be!

And yet, the little annoying voice in James' head that sounded remarkably like his mother, murmured, Snape has probably never made Lily cry. In fact he makes her laugh. Something you've never even managed to do. So maybe he would make a better friend.

James growled in frustration and punched his pillow into a more comfortable shape. He would go to sleep, he decided. He would go to sleep and wake up to a brand new day and everything would be fine. But, he couldn't help thinking as he drifted slowly into unconsciousness, how could everything be fine if he couldn't get the image of Lily Evans sparkling green eyes welling up with tears he had caused?

**May 22nd, Post Quidditch Match frenzy, Hogwarts**

**The first time James Potter ever felt invisible he was fourteen years old.** It was all going great, perfect even. Everything was falling into place and it seemed like the next few years were going to be equally as blissful. He was popular, he was smart and he was damn worshipped by half the girls in his year and although he didn't really care for most of them he couldn't say he minded the attention. This love for him seemed to be growing the closer they came to the Quidditch Cup Final and when he swooped in again and again and landed goal after goal it seemed nothing could go wrong. They won, no they flattened, Slytherin and the screams of the rabid girls were almost too much to handle. Almost. They all graciously accepted the cup with loud catcalls at the sulking Slytherin's and entered the castle in high spirits. A party was in order, one to remember Sirius declared as he hauled Moony up to the castle, Peter in tow. James sighed happily as he changed out of his sweaty uniform and back into his school robes, waving forward the rest of the team. There would be an entire night of people, he decided, and he didn't want to rush. By the time he was out of the changing rooms everyone had already wandered back up to the castle and even the Entrance Hall was completely deserted. Well almost. A certain girl with long wild red hair and sparkly green eyes had wandered in from the Great Hall, hugging a fairly large stack of books to her chest. James blinked a little before shaking himself back to reality. Damn puberty, he snapped silently at himself, shut up! Plastering on a careful smile he approached her just as she began to climb the long staircase leading upstairs.

"Alright Evans?" he said casually, her surname falling easily from his lips after years of practice. She didn't make any indication she had heard him so he quickened his pace and fell into step with her. "Evans?"

She blinked, snapping out of the usual trance she was in. When she saw it was him however the blank stare in her eyes were replaced with a fiery defence and she raised her eyebrows as if to ask him what he wanted. His forehead crinkled up in silent frustration but that was the only indication of his annoyance at her consistence indifference to him.

"Coming up to celebrate?"

She blinked again at this and frowned.

"Celebrate what?"

It took him a few minutes of silent gaping to figure out she was actually being completely serious. And even then he didn't know how to reply. So he just stared.

Finally growing impatient with his stares she made her familiar huffing sound and stalked off, her red curls bouncing along with every solid step on the stone steps. And still he could only stare.

He wandered into the common room a few minutes later, still feeling slightly in awe of how someone could be that smart yet so dumb. He was immediately drawn into the crowd, Sirius and Remus by his side within minutes and soon he forgot all about the little scene with Lily Evans before. That is until she walked through the door, an even larger pile of books clasped to her chest, a perplexed frown on her fair face. James froze in the middle of letting out a loud passionate laugh and stared as she looked around in confusion before momentarily walking over to her friends. The confused look on her face quickly faded as they spoke to her and her mouth fell into a soft 'oh.' James smiled a little at this, not noticing Sirius staring at him from the side until he was just a few inches from his best friends face.

"What are you doing?" James said, slightly afraid of the close contact. Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"What are _you_doing?" He snapped his eyes back to Lily to illustrate his point and James shrugged.

"I don't know. She didn't know there was a Quidditch match today. She just didn't know. And now she's all confused and it's kind of cute, I guess, and, yeah."

He trailed off when he caught the smirk on Sirius' face and shifted his eyes uncomfortably, gulping down more of his drink, trying to concentrate solely on the burning sensation it created in the back of his throat. Lily was looking around the party with boredom written all over her face and within moments she had settled her books back into her arms and was heading to her dormitory door. Her friends called back at her, gesturing towards the middle of the room. Lily's eyes skirted across the group of her classmates, sliding over James as if he was just another one of them before shrugging as if to say 'not important,' and disappearing around the corner. James felt his jaw tighten and his forehead crinkle up in confusion and frustration again.

"What's with her? It's like she...doesn't even care." he wondered out loud before downing the rest of his drink, feeling his spirits lowering rapidly. Stupid Lily. He turned and grabbed another drink, downing it in one go. It didn't help. He had never felt so...ignored. What did he have to do, he wondered slowly as the night went on and he got drunk for the very first time in his life, he helped win the biggest game of the year and she wasn't even there! Hell, she didn't even know when it was!

Eventually around 4am James was pushed onto his bed by Sirius who had threatened him with bodily harm if he didn't shut up and get to bed and stop whining about bloody Lily Evans. He lay there for a few minutes, rubbing his forehead to try and calm his aching headache and think clearly. Stupid Lily Evans, he thought to himself, with her stupid hair and her stupid lack of interest in Quidditch. After a few minutes of half formed thought swimming around his confused brain he began to slip into unconsciousness, his mind still filled with red and green and unfamiliar resentment that came along with being ignored.

**December 5th, Greenhouse 2, Hogwarts**

**James Potter was not a smooth eleven year old.** He didn't really say the right things and he was still trying to figure everything out about himself and he certainly didn't know how to deal with girls, no matter how confident he tended to come off sometimes. He just didn't understand them and he really didn't get why he would ever need to have much to do with them. They were just girls after all. But then there was the most complicated girl in the entire world. She was so confusing. She always glared at him and acted like he was doing something wrong even when he wasn't but then, sometimes, if she didn't notice him straight away he would see her smile and laugh and couldn't understand why someone who looked so much better smiling and laughing would bother frowning all the time. Confusing. So that was the exact reason why James Potter could be seen sitting with a very puzzled look on his face in the small greenhouse the First Years went in for Herbology, staring straight at Lily Evans who was busy sitting with a group of her friends. They all seemed to be in quite a giggly mood and she was smiling brighter than he had ever seen her smile before and he couldn't stop wondering why she never seemed to get that look on her face when he talked to her. Sirius walked in through the doors as James ogled Lily, his hands stuffed carelessly into his pockets and his hair casually sweeping over his eyes. He surveyed his friends confused expression and followed his eyes to the feisty Lily Evans who Sirius himself hadn't managed to quite warm up to, especially since Evans' little threat the morning before aimed towards his man parts. He just couldn't forgive that easily. James however seemed to have some kind of strange fascination with proving something or the other to her and even though Sirius didn't understand it he didn't question it.

"James. You look like a stalker."

His friend blinked dumbly before breaking his staring contest with the side of Lily's face and meeting Sirius' eyes.

"Oh."

Sirius slumped down onto the stool next to James before sighing and forcing the next sentence out of his mouth,

"What's with the face?"

James frowned, his forehead crinkling up and his mouth screwing up. He was so confused.

"I don't get her!" He finally said, sounding beyond exasperated. Before Sirius knew what was happening the little eleven year old boy in front of him dived into a full blown rant he had obviously been dying to verbalise for a while,

"I mean, I don't do anything to her and she just walks around glaring at me and acting like I'm some worthless pile of nothingness. Ok fine I'm not the nicest guy to that snivelling little Slytherin she hangs around but so what? She doesn't need to act like that! I've never done anything to her! Hell, she doesn't even know me but she gives me this look all the time, like an 'I've met your type before,' look. Well screw her! I mean honestly what does Snape have that I don't? Lack of personal hygiene? A serious need for a nose job? Tatty old robes? I mean seriously?"

Sirius watched as his friend got himself worked up over his own words and only intervened when he noticed how red his face was beginning to get.

"James! Breathe! She's a girl. Girls don't matter. God, man up!" He snapped, making James jump a little in his seat. Sirius smirked a little at this before continuing, "Look, if you really think she's worth the trouble then the solution's simple, really."

James raised his eyebrows. One of the first things he had learnt about Sirius was that he often came up with great speeches for these theories he had that generally amounted to nothing but he listened anyway, cautiously.

"All you have to do is break the ice."

James' eyebrow tweaked upwards doubtfully.

"Break the ice?"

His best friend nodded confidently.

"Yeah. Okay so she doesn't think you're funny so I wouldn't try that," James opened his mouth to protest but Sirius pressed on, ignoring him, "How about a compliment?"

"A compliment?" The doubt was so clear in James' voice that Sirius rewarded him with sharp slap on the top of his head.

"Yeah! Girls eat compliments up!"

James frowned.

"They do?"

Sirius nodded wisely.

" They spend all their time complaining about themselves so that other people will tell them they're wrong. Oh and they like to have their appearance compared to stuff. Like...your eyes are as blue as the ocean. And stuff."

"But-"

"James! Just do it!"

So therefore James was fully within his right to blame Sirius for what happened when he delivered his first ever compliment. He had walked into Charms confidently and straight towards Lily and informed her that her hair reminded her of tomatoes. And she responded by slapping him sharply across the face and walking off in a huff, not listening to his strangled calls of 'But I like tomatoes!'

**January 12th, James rises to Sirius' bait from the night before, Great Hall, Hogwarts**

**His palms were sweaty and his stomach was buzzing with nerves.** This shouldn't be this hard, he tried to reason with himself as he made his shaky way down to the Great Hall for breakfast. It should be easy. He was fifteen years old for gods' sake. He was on the Quidditch team. He was a Marauder. This was not a difficult thing for someone like him. Then why exactly was his heart racing so bloody fast and why was his throat all closed up? Stupid stupid stupid. This was all so stupid! Feeling a little ill James sat down and tried to steady himself. Stupid. After a few minutes he managed to make himself feel well enough to eat something and by the time he had finished his first piece of toast the rest of the Marauders had joined him, easing his nerves a little more. He actually managed to forget why he was so nervous for a few minutes before _she_walked in. Lily Evans. He blinked. And again. And again. She was the most astoundingly ferocious girl in the entire school. The only one who ignored him. The only one who could match him in an argument. The one who didn't care about Quidditch. The one who didn't care about him.

Well he was hoping the last part was just an act.

She walked further into the Hall and sat down next to her friends. Right in front of him. He gulped. He was really, _really_hoping it was just an act. He let his eyes flicker up at her for a few seconds. She turned and smiled and waved at someone. He looked and then groaned inwardly. Stupid Snape. Shaking away any thoughts of the greasy haired Slytherin James took a deep breath and met Sirius' eyes momentarily. They were bright with laughter. James glared. Bastard.

James looked up a few minutes later to see Lily had gone. Eyes widening he looked around hurriedly just in time to see her disappear around the corner. Getting up quickly he sped out of the door, shooting a nervous look at Sirius who simply smirked. Bastard.

He caught up to her out in the grounds. She was headed to the lake it seemed, a book clasped in her hand. He tapped her on her shoulder and watched as her long red curls swung around her neck as she turned, a smile on her face that slipped quickly when she saw who it was.

"Oh. Hi Potter."

He swallowed and shoved his hands in his pockets, plastering a casual smile on his face, trying to resist running his fingers through his hair since she seemed to want to slap every time he did.

"Alright Lily? Don't you think after five years at the same school we should call each other by our first names?"

She looked blankly at him, blinking slowly.

"No."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

She turned as if to go and he instinctively reached to pull her back. Her eyebrows shot up. Shit.

"What are you doing?"

He felt his eyes widen and his throat close up again.

"Um...er...look, Lily-"

"Yes Potter?"

He groaned wondering why she was always so stubborn, wishing she would just call him _James_ and let go off her arm, shoving his hands back into _his_ pockets and forcing his face into a casual expression.

"Evans." He purposely waited just to see the look of impatience pass over her face even though he wasn't not quite sure why and then continued, his voice easy and light, "I had a great idea."

"That'd be a first." She muttered. He chuckled making a look of surprise cross her face before leaning forward and placing a hand on her shoulder. Her eyes swept down to it with a look of pure confusion.

"Don't you want to know what it is?" He stepped forward at this and she stepped back, her forehead all crinkled up with confusion.

"Um...sure."

His smile grew large and he leaned completely forward, bringing his eyes level with hers. She gulped visibly and he tried not to punch the air with triumph. Result.

"Well I was thinking about you. And me. And I figured out what's missing."

She didn't give any indication for him to continue but he did anyway, feeling more and more confident as the seconds passed by.

"We should go out." He finished softly, looking her straight in the eye. She didn't react straight away, just looked at him. Then she raised her eyebrows and a look caught between mocking and irritation crossed her face. He felt his confidence falter.

"Hilarious Potter." She murmured. "But not a good idea."

With that she turned on her heel and began to make her way down to the lake as if there James Potter hadn't just interrupted her perfectly ordinary Sunday afternoon by asking her out. He quirked his eyebrow before rushing forward and stopping in front of her, blocking her from the lake she so desperately wanted to get to.

"Oh come on Evans, is that seriously your answer?" The incredulous tone in his voice seemed to irritate her even more. She clenched her fists and breathed through her nose before replying,

"Yes. It is. God Potter we've spent the last five years hating each other and now-

"I don't hate you." He said suddenly, unable to help himself. It was the truth after all. "I've never hated you. I quite like you."

Something flashed across her face and James actually felt a little hope ebb inside him but it was soon pushed back down when her usual stone cold expression returned.

"Well...that's great Potter. You don't hate me. That's such a step up. But it's not a big enough step to start a relationship of any kind on."

With that she stalked off, gripping her book a little tighter than before and walking a little quicker than usual. He should have been feeling rejected. He should have been standing there feeling like absolute hell. He had just asked out a girl for the first time ever – they usually did come to him after all - and she had shot him down. But for some reason he was standing there with a broad smile spreading across his face. He'd seen something sweep across Lily Evans face just then and it hadn't been anger or contempt or annoyance. It had been something nice and he was suddenly extremely sure he was going to be spending as long as possible trying to get her to look at him like that again.

_**HI. It's been a while since I looked at any of the stuff on here but I have some free time and a working – kind of, not really – computer and Word – honestly, these past few months without Word have been hell – so I thought I'd rehash some of my old stories and make them better and maybe, shock, horror, gasp, FINISH one or two of them. So I put about six chapters of this story into this one big block because I figured it sort of sets up the bit of the story with any kind of…I'm wary about calling it a plot but you know what I mean. But yeah, I hope you enjoy it.**_


	2. Chapter 2

The first time James Potter got into a real fight he was 16 years old. He saw red, felt the gut wrenching anger and suddenly he had leaped from where he was standing and was punching every inch of the boy standing in front of him. His name was Josh...or Jack. Who knew. All James needed to know was that he had hurt Lily and that's why his face was currently getting rearranged for him. And now someone was pulling him of the little bastard but he couldn't really understand why someone would do that.

"Get off him you twat"

It was Sirius. Looking back on it James had to admit it was a good thing Sirius was the one who found him and not a teacher or a Prefect or hell, Lily. But right then and there James couldn't understand why his best friend was holding him back from kicking the stuffing out of the boy in front of him instead of helping him.

"What are you doing?" He snapped at his best friend, pushing him away and looking around for the bastard. He was gone. Great.

"What am I doing? What the hell do you think you're doing James?! You can't go around punching people to an early death!"

James felt anger pulse up inside him and began to walk away from Sirius, his fists clenched and his jaw tensed. He knew he was following him but he didn't slow down or even try to quieten down his footsteps. Stupid gits, he thought furiously, all of them.

Suddenly he was pulled from his thoughts by a rough arm and into a nearby classroom. Looking around he saw an annoyed looking Sirius blocking the door, his arms crossed stubbornly.

"What the bloody hell is going on James?"

"Nothing." He snapped, trying to calm his temper.

"Ok so you just like to kick the crap out of random people for fun?"

"Yeah Sirius I do. I like violence. It's fun."

Sirius shook his head a little, almost to himself, as he watched his best friend slide down the wall he was leaning against and to the floor, shaking a little. After a few minutes he walked over to him and sat down as well, leaning his head back against the stone cold wall and sighing a little. They stayed like that for what seemed like hours, in complete silence. James felt his anger slowly fade away and be replaced by weariness. He turned his head and gave a half hearted smile at Sirius which faltered almost immediately. Sirius sighed and raised his hand, ruffling up James' hair like he'd been doing since they were eleven despite his protests before breaking the silence,

"She's really fucked you up."

James didn't say anything for a long time and the sun was beginning to rise when he finally did, speaking in a low, broken voice,

"Yeah."

Sirius nodded slowly.

"She worth it?"

James sighed, rubbing his eyes slowly.

"I think I'm in love with her."

There was an even longer silence this time as James rubbed his eyes and Sirius tried to think of the perfect words. In the end it turned out there weren't any so he just said,

"Well then I guess she's worth it."


	3. Chapter 3

The day before James cornered that Josh kid he had been sitting in the common room with Sirius and Moony and Peter when his stomach gave out a loud, rude rumble. He'd missed dinner trying to catch up on some forgotten Potions homework before his Quidditch practice and he was absolutely starving. Sirius agreed, half heartedly, to go with him to kitchens so they grabbed the Invisibility Cloak and left, crouching a little bit as they attempted to cover their exposed ankles. They were both getting way too big for this stuff, James decided; it was completely unfair that the Prefects and the Head Boy and Girl got to wander around whenever they wanted and they had to sneak around like children. He turned his head to tell Sirius this when suddenly they turned the corner to enter the corridor that would lead him into the kitchens and stopped at the sight in front of them. It was that Josh, Jack or something guy that Lily had been dating for the better part of the term much to James' disgust and he currently sucking face with a girl with long red curls trailing down her back. James felt his jaw clench with barely repressed anger and his fists curled up. He had never been particularly violent but that guy was really asking for it at that moment, with his stupid mouth on hers and his stupid fingers wrapped around her hair. Sirius placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him a warning look. Evans was a Prefect and the top candidate for Head Girl next year. She'd kill him if they were caught out at this hour of the night, even if she wasn't exactly paying attention to her Prefect duties. Honestly, James thought furiously, scowling, what kind of Prefect is she? She's turning into such a complete slut! She would never have done this before, it's completely unlike her, what the-

Sirius had been leading him silently towards the kitchen door, trying not to make too much noise so as not to disturb the love struck couple when suddenly James turned around and threw off the Cloak, looking for the first time at the girl currently in the Ravenclaw Prefect's arms. It was true she had long curly red hair like Lily but it was shorter and lighter and her eyes were the colour of mud, not shimmering emeralds. Josh turned with a start at the sound of Sirius swearing and his eyes widened when he caught the vicious grin that had settled around James' face. His mouth opened and closed a few times and James vaguely registered that this would have been amusing to him if he hadn't been so unbelievably furious.

"Wh-what are you doing out of your house tower at this time Potter?"

His tone was shaky and hesitant as he stared up at the currently glowering Gryffindor. Anyone with half a brain knew of James Potter's fierce loyalty to Lily Evans which hadn't faltered over the past few years of her cold indifference and that might have been why the Ravenclaw decided now would be a great time to give a sharp nod at the girl in front of him who look fearfully at James for half a second before scampering off. James grimaced. He had seen Lily talking to that girl countless times at lunch and dinner and during lessons. Some friend. He tore his eyes away from her retreating back before turning to the trembling boy in front of him. He had to be at least a head taller than him but still James seemed to be towering over him in his anger, glaring with forceful hatred.

"Drop the crap you twat. Does Lily know what you're doing right now by any chance?"

He let out a choky sound and his eyes flitted across the floor around him. Yeah, James thought bitterly, not so fucking clever now are you?

"Potter, mine and Lily's relationship is hardly any of your business or concern,"

"Actually, I think you'll find that Lily is my business and she is my concern. Meaning that you cheating on her is definitely what I would class as interesting,"

"I...well, look...there's really no need to tell her, I'm going to anyway."

"You are such an idiot," Sirius suddenly spoke up, stepping in line with James and crossing his arms, his face set. He might not like James' blind loyalty to a girl who had only just begun to think of him as worth more than the slime of the bottom of his shoe but he had developed a slight fondness for the feisty redhead in the past year or so and this guy was clearly a complete prat. "If you honestly thought you could get away with something like this."

His jaw was clenched and he turned to leave with a scowl. James rushed forward, grabbed his shoulder and pushed him against the wall. Even Sirius was a little shocked by this. James was a little confrontational at times but he wasn't violent. He brought his face close to the Ravenclaw's and spoke slowly,

"I'm going back to the common room right now and I'm going to tell Evans what you did. I presume she's probably not going to believe me and come and find you. If I wake up tomorrow morning and find out that you lied to her and prolonged this stupid sick twisted little thing you've got going on I will kick the living shit out of you. Okay?"

A quick hurried nod was all he got for a reply and then the boy slipped past him and practically ran down the corridor, looking pretty shaken.

Sirius didn't say anything for a second before he came up to his best friend and patted him on the shoulder.

"Let's go get screamed at by Evans."

The common room was pretty much deserted when they got back except for a few first years and...Lily Evans. She was sitting in a large armchair in the corner of the room, curled up in a small ball, her eyes focused on the book in front of her. Sirius swallowed and looked nervously at James. They were doing the right thing, he told himself. But that wouldn't stop Evans from killing the messengers. James noticed the edgy look in his friends eyes and quietly told him to go on up to the dormitory. It would be best not to overwhelm her with both of them and Sirius looked like he would be more willing to dance around naked for McGonagall then go through the train wreck that would be telling Lily Evans that her boyfriend was cheating on her. He shot James a sympathetic look before traipsing up the stone steps leading to the dormitory they shared.

James sighed, cursed all of Ravenclaw for moulding the distasteful human being that had cheated on Evans and walked forward. Lily looked up when he was a few steps away and smiled lightly, an extremely recent development in their relationship. He breathed out nervously before saying,

"Hey Lily, what're you doing?"

She gestured at the book in her hands.

"Attempting to finish this book; why is it that the 'great classics of the modern world' actually really, really suck?"

James smiled a little at the rare sound of Lily Evans insulting a book and seated himself down on the sofa opposite her. She looked at him expectantly, resting a head back and still smiling. See, he thought bitterly, she's perfectly happy. Why do I have to be the one to ruin it?

Finally deciding he should just say it and get it over with he spoke,

"Look, Lily...I was just at the kitchens."

She fixed him with a half hearted glare before letting it falter.

"Of course you were. Are you alright James?"

He nodded a little too hastily and swallowed.

"I'm fine. It's just...me and Sirius were at the kitchens and we ran into um...Josh?"

She frowned. Okay. Not Josh.

"I don't know his name, sorry. Your...boyfriend." The word felt wrong falling from his lips and he tried to hide his unease.

"Michael?"

He stared for a second before nodding.

"If you say so. Anyway um...he was with that Ravenclaw girl, with the red hair."

"Marissa."

"Yeah. And well...they were um...Lily..."

He couldn't do it. He could not make her cry again even if it was for the billionth time in his life, not when she was so peaceful. But she wouldn't let him leave now so he tried to force down the nerves and try and find some of that Gryffindor courage. He had probably used it all up threatening Michael who might be a Ravenclaw but was a lot taller than James and also on the Quidditch team. Finally he forced his hazel eyes up to meet her curious green ones and said,

"They were snogging Lily and I know you're not going to believe but it's the truth, they were and then the moment I showed myself they stopped and she ran off and then he was all like 'mine and Lily's relationship is none of your concern' and I was like 'what the hell is wrong with you,' and I had to tell you and I know you're going to hate me now which sucks because we just started becoming friends and everything but...there it is. Your boyfriend's cheating on you." Her eyes were contorted with silent pain and James felt his gut tighten. Stupid Michael. "He's scum and I had to tell you because you deserve better than that."

She looked like she was going to get angry, she really did. Her face went all red like it usually did right before she started screaming at him and she started breathing really deeply and her eyes were flashing brightly with anger. And then suddenly she completely changed and her face lost its colour and her eyes began to well up with small tears and her nose was bright red and she wasn't angry Lily Evans screaming at James Potter to get the hell out of her face and away from her business. She was the Lily Evans with tears trailing down her face looking at James Potter with nothing but sadness in her eyes. He leant forward, plucked her up from her armchair and let her cry on his shoulder, thinking of how much worse this was than the screaming and hitting and denial. She pulled away quickly and let out a small whimper, looking around fearfully at the small First Years that were staring at her. James sighed angrily and stood up. Looking around the common room he spoke clearly and with enough command to make the most self righteous eleven year old back down,

"Get out. Now."

They all hurriedly scampered up to their dormitories; not looking like they particularly wanted to see what would happen if they didn't. James sat back down and wiped away a few of Lily's tears, swallowing nervously.

"This is so stupid," she whispered sadly, "I shouldn't be crying about that prat. I should be hexing him into next week. I should be angry..."

James sighed and slipped his arm around her.

"Well we never act the right way when it comes to people we love."

There was silence for a few minutes before she leant to the side and settled herself against his shoulder, sniffing.

"I didn't love him."

The next morning you would have thought James would have been over the moon. Lily Evans had broken up with her boyfriend; she had opened up to him and fallen asleep in his arms. He was not however, over the moon. He was beyond pissed off. Him and Lily had spoken for most of the night and in that time his anger had just been increasing until finally he snapped that afternoon and did exactly what he had promised Jack or Josh or whatever his name was he would do.

He kicked the living shit out of him.

He had walked around like a zombie for the entire day, coming out of his trance only to check if Lily was okay. She looked a little smaller than usual and her smile was a little off but other than that she seemed to be doing alright. But still James couldn't get out the look of pure heartbreak she had had on her face the night before or the pearly tears that had fallen from her eyes and drenched his t-shirt or the way she had quietly let him know how difficult it was to let people into her life and how now she was probably going to find it impossible to let another guy in for a very long time.

Maybe that's what made him crush his fist into the bastard's head but he preferred to think it was because of his fierce loyalty, not because the lying, cheating prat had set back his chances with Lily even more.

He decided against going to his classes that day and instead went straight to his dormitory where he lay on his bed and thought purely of Lily Evans and why he did the things he did around her or for her or even to her. Sleep was definitely not an option; he had way too much on his mind. He hated getting angry. He couldn't even remember ever being that angry before and he had never, ever hit somebody like that before.

He skipped his meals as well which was a mistake since it meant he hadn't eaten since yesterday lunchtime but he couldn't bring himself to move. Sirius and Remus came up momentarily and tried to coax him out of bed but he just lay there, telling them he didn't really feel like facing the detentions and yells from Lily at that exact moment. They let him be and he was left in complete silence for another hour or so until he heard the dormitory door click open. God, if they try and get me out of bed again, he thought to himself, rubbing his eyes wearily.

"James."

He shot up at the timid voice and looked at the petit girl who had just walked through his room.

"Lily."

She smiled then and he felt his gut loosen up a little. She hesitated before sitting down on Remus' bed and turning to face him. He tried not to think too much about the fact that she was sitting on Remus' bed and tried to instead concentrate on what she was saying, especially since she was speaking so quickly,

"Look I know you think I'm probably going to be mad about what you did to Michael," Michael, James thought absentmindedly, that was the bastard's name, why did he keep forgetting, "But I'm really not. I mean, I don't encourage violence in any way and I don't think you should have done it but...it was sweet. That you would do that for me. So you don't have to worry about me yelling at you anymore. Sirius did mention just now that you seem to be pretty afraid of me yelling at you and I'm sorry if I come off scary or cold towards you sometimes, I really don't mean to....anyway. Thanks."

James nodded silently, wondering whether or not he was supposed to say something intelligent at this point. She smiled back, leaned forward and kissed him gently on the cheek. He saw stars, he'd never admit it but he did; bright colourful stars. Then she was gone, hurrying out the door and around the corner before he could even think of anything to say.


	4. Chapter 4

James Potter didn't really believe that it was easy to fall in love. He hated all the little kids walking around claiming they were 'in love.' Thirteen year olds for gods' sake, walking around talking about the future and how they were in love and all this rubbish. It irritated him beyond belief. He wouldn't believe Frank when he said he was in love but kept his mouth shut, telling himself they'd probably be over within a few weeks. Of course that had been three years ago and now even he was willing to believe that they were in love but he was still reluctant. He didn't know why. It was probably because the whole thing scared the crap out of him. Love? They were teenagers for gods' sake. Weren't they supposed to be changing? Weren't they still trying to decide who they were? How could they fall in love? Sure at one point he had confessed to Sirius that he was in love with Lily Evans but, he reasoned with himself after that, he had just been emotionally drained that day, weak and vulnerable and was trying to find a plausible reason as to why he would go through all of this for a girl. It wasn't true. It couldn't be true and he was completely sure of this fact until he woke up one day about a month after Lily and Michael broke up and suddenly his mind was ringing with Lily, everything that was Lily and the repeated thought that maybe, just maybe, he could be in love with her. It didn't happen the way he thought it would. He thought if he ever fell in love he would realise it as he was talking with someone, he would notice how much he loved their hair, how much he loved their eyes, and then he'd know. But of course he already knew how beautiful Lily was, he already knew all the things he loved about her. He just never thought he'd randomly wake up one morning and **know.**

He lay there for a few minutes, trying to clear his head but soon gave up and got up, chucking a pillow at Sirius' head to wake him up.

James is in love, James is in love, James is in love, came an incessant voice that sounded a lot like Sirius, taunting him as he dragged himself to the bathroom and splashed ice cold water on his face in an attempt to make himself wake up.

James loves Lily, James loves Lily,

"I do not," he grumbled angrily, shoving a toothbrush into his mouth and brushing more aggressively than was needed.

You do.

"Not."

Yes.

"No!"

He flung his arms up and covered his face with his hands, letting out a stream of colour swear words.

"Why now? Why do I have to start being a little sappy pansy **now?!**"

"You've always been a pansy now get out of the bathroom!"

James froze and looked around in confusion. That was definitely out loud.

"James! I need to pee!"

He spun around and looked at the door. Oh. He swung the door open and stared at Sirius who was looking at him, confused.

"Sirius."

His friend nodded slowly, probably wondering why James was acting so weird.

"James...I need to pee."

James breathed in deep and nodded, suddenly nervous as if Sirius could hear the annoying thoughts of Lily Evans swimming around his head.

"Right. Um..."

Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"So...get out James."

He nodded again and stepped out of the bathroom, shaking his head a little in an effort to start thinking properly. Stop it James, he thought, stop being such a little girl. Stop thinking about Lily. Stop thinking about her hair. And no! Stop thinking about her eyes. Stop it.

Sirius turned and gave James a quizzical look.

"James. You alright?"

He looked at the floor and then at his best friend and then back at the floor.

"I don't know."

Another raised eyebrow.

"Lily?"

James gulped; his eyes still on the ground.

"Yeah."

Sirius nodded and they both stood there uncomfortably for a few seconds before Sirius cleared his throat.

"Well I guess then..."

James looked up and nearly burst out laughing at the sight of his best friend trying to come up with reasonable advice to give him about a girl he was probably in love with. Eventually Sirius just swung the door shut with one last look at him and James grabbed his robes, swallowing.

James is in love with Lily, came the voice again, and he can't even admit it.

"I'd admit it if it were true." He grumbled, "I had a crush on the girl and now I don't."

Right, so you'd just beat the living crap out of somebody for just anybody would you? And you even told Sirius that night that you were in love with her. What happened to that?

James sighed and ran his hands through his hair, his heart pumping as he thought of the night he had beat up Michael, the raging anger in his veins as he hit somebody in a way he'd never even imagined hitting someone before.

"She's my friend."

Who you want to be with. How very cliché of you James. Now go do something about it.

"No."

You absolute girl.

"Thank you,"

He pulled on his sock and tied his shoes, his jaw clenched. Looking around it seemed Remus and Peter had already left. Sirius would be a while. James looked back at the bathroom door and decided to wait, not particularly looking forward to walking into the Great Hall and having to talk to Lily like a normal person and pretend he wasn't arguing with himself silently. He sat down on his bed and waited, sifting through his school bag in an effort to keep himself busy.

So, his mind apparently wasn't going to let him be that easily distracted, let's review the plan shall we? You're never ever going to tell Lily that you love her.

"Correct. And I don't love her."

And then you'll spend the rest of your friendship beating up her rotten boyfriends for her while pretending it's simply because you're such a good person. And then the years will pass and you two will still be good friends while you suffer with your unrequited love.

"I'm not suffering," James whispered angrily, stuffing an extra quill into his bag and wishing he could have five seconds of quiet.

Oh but you will be. And then one day she'll get a boyfriend James. And he won't be so rotten. In fact he'll be a pretty nice guy but you'll just pretend that he's actually a bastard because you can't deal with your jealousy issues.

"I do not have jealousy issues."

And then she'll tell you how well it's going with him all the time and you'll pretend to be happy for her. You might even try and date some other girls but it'll never work out because you'll spend all of your time trying to replace their face and voice with Lily's face and voice.

James frowned. He doubted he'd ever be that creepy and desperate...would he?

And then you'll start to think that maybe everything's going okay and you've dealt with all of it pretty well until that fateful day when Lily Evans, the girl you've been in love with since you were twelve years old –

"Twelve year olds don't fall in love." James grumbled.

Oh don't give me that crap James, age has nothing to do with it. If you're in love you're in love, it doesn't matter if you're twelve or sixty. Anyway, then Lily will turn around and tell you, with this really bright smile on her face, that she, the little girl you've known since you were eleven, the girl who makes you jealous, the girl who makes you feel ignored, the first girl to make you apologise, the first girl you ever complimented, no matter how pathetically, well that girl will turn around and tell you she's getting married.

James felt his body stiffen and suddenly he was racing out of the door, tired of the lonely dormitory where the only sounds were him arguing with his own brain and the shower running next door.

And then you'll watch her walk down the aisle.

"Shut up," James said forcefully, scaring a bunch of timid first years who were just walking out of their dormitory, "shut up, shut up."

And you'll watch her say 'I do' to some guy who admittedly is pretty cool and nice but who would never ever love her half as much as you do.

James raced out of the portrait hole and into the raging crowd of students on their way to breakfast. All around him were people yelling and calling to their friends and laughing and making as much noise as possible but still the loudest thing he could hear was his own mind, taunting him.

And then you'll watch as she grows old with this guy and has kids who call you 'Uncle James' and maybe you'll settle down with some random woman but the 'what if' will always be there won't it? What if you stopped being such a little coward and just tried, one last time, to get the girl you want instead of sitting back and letting all of that happen to you? What if you asked her out one last time? What if she said yes? What if, what if, what if. But you'll never ever know if you don't try and you'll end up living in regret and that, my dear boy, is the worst way to live.

"Shut up!" James barked, his hands now curled into fists and his body stiff.

A group of second year girls turned around in surprise and stared at him for a few seconds but he ignored them, racing past the throng of kids and out into the Entrance Hall.

"James!"

James turned hesitantly, cursing his luck. Lily Evans came rushing towards him, her wild red hair in a sloppy ponytail and a sweet smile on her lips. He gulped.

"Hey Lily," he managed to choke out. He forced a smile on his face, gulping.

She smiled even wider and walked with him to the Great Hall, chattering on about something or the other that he was vaguely listening to.

Do it now.

James glared at the ground, wishing it would just swallow him right then and there.

Come on. Hogsmeade, ask her to Hogsmeade.

They made it to the Gryffindor table and James sat down shakily next to Lily, wishing that there was more room on the benches. They all had to sit so close together, he mused, staring at the girl right next to him.

Oh don't be a little girl James, just do it.

She looked up just as he was about to look away and caught his eye, her bright green eyes sparkling. She was always so happy in the mornings.

The voice in his head scoffed.

Her eyes are sparkling are they Jamesie? Tell me, when did you grow a vagina?

This made him choke slightly on the piece of toast he had forced into his mouth, earning himself a concerned look from Lily that he probably would have killed a year ago.

"Are you okay?" she said, placing a hand on his back. He let out a small squeak and turned back to his toast, bright red now.

I did not just squeak, I did not just squeak, he thought to himself.

You did.

"Shut up," he whispered.

Lily frowned.

"I um...I didn't say anything."

He looked back at her, unaware that he had spoken out loud. After a few seconds he forced himself to speak.

"I know...I was talking to um...myself."

She raised her eyebrows and he felt the last of his dignity fly away. Oh lord, he thought, she thinks I'm insane. Of course she does, I just told her I talk to myself. Seriously, where's Voldemort where you need him? Just end the misery now, please.

"Why were you telling yourself to shut up?" She said, smiling uncertainly.

James shook his head and coughed uncomfortably, his face still burning.

What the hell happened to the smooth Quidditch Captain, he thought furiously.

"Well...um...it's kind of hard to explain, I just, I keep hearing this voice in my head and it keeps...saying things and...yeah,"

Lily giggled and nodded slowly, as if unsure as to whether or not he was being serious or not.

"Um...okay well what's it saying?"

He stared down at her and wondered whether or not he should just tell her. It was inevitable, he was going to have to say something to her or the voice in his head would drive him insane. Finally, he took a deep breath and opened his mouth unsurely, his heart thumping rapidly.

"James!"

He faltered and looked back at his toast as Remus and Peter spotted him and came to sit by the two of them. Maybe later, he thought, knowing Voldemort himself would have to hold a wand to his head before he said anything about his feelings towards Lily in front of his friends.


	5. Chapter 5

James is a little girl, James is a little girl.

That chant followed him around for the rest of the day. It was all he could hear during Professor Binns' lectures, as Professor Flitwick showed them all a new charm, as Professor McGonagall talked to them all for umpteenth time about N.E..

James loves Lily, James love Lily.

That was a favourite thought of his as well, swimming around his brain, knocking aside musings about wand movements and demanding all of his attention. Even when Professor Slughorn zoned in on him, his eyebrows raised comically, all James could hear were the incessant taunts of his own mind.

He forced himself to meet the curious eyes of his Potions teacher and focus on the words coming out of his mouth.

"Mr Potter, is the flooring of this classroom more important than the correct way to make a powerful truth potion?"

James sighed and shook his head, knowing where this was going.

"No sir."

"You aspire to be an Auror I believe?"

"It's an option I'm considering sir."

Professor Slughorn nodded approvingly although James could hardly tell why a Slytherin would be approving of that; although Professor Slughorn did seem to be quite different from other Slytherins. All he seemed to care about was crystallised pineapple, famous people and the members of his Slug Club.

James' brain suddenly became alert.

Like Lily, his thoughts started screaming at him, Lily's in the Slug Club.

And then he was completely lost, ignoring the words that Slughorn was still saying, thinking about Lily, Lily who was sitting just a few rows away from him, Lily with her red hair, Lily with her green eyes, Lily, Lily, Lily.

"Mr Potter!"

This time Slughorn actually seemed pretty mad so James looked up with the most apologetic look he could muster and smiled sheepishly.

"Sorry sir..."

Professor Slughorn made a 'humph' sound and shook his head.

"Honestly Potter, I don't know what I'm going to do with you, you've been entirely unfocused for the past few weeks."

James felt his face grow warm as he realised the entire class, including Lily, was listening.

"Sorry sir."

"Humph." Professor Slughorn said, "Well Potter, I think a more practical learning environment would suit you in your current unfocused mood. Go and try Longbottom's Veritaserum."

James whipped his head around at Frank who was sitting a row to his right. Frank and Alice sat next to each other; the worst Potion team there ever was since neither of them could make soup, let alone a love potion. But still James wasn't exactly jumping at the chance to drink the liquid in their cauldron. What if it worked? He thought. Frank would kill for a chance to embarrass in front of his entire Potions class and Alice would be even more enthusiastic, never quite forgiving James for the incident in third year when he had accidentally turned her hair bright pink in Charms.

James met Slughorn's eyes and knew he would have to do what he said or risk punishment. Sighing he got up and walked over to Frank's table, briefly meeting Lily's eyes before tearing his away and staring forward. He picked up a vial, dipped it into the smooth liquid and drank it, the sweet concoction slithering down his throat.

Suddenly he was very much aware of every embarrassing thing that had ever happened to him in the past 16 years of his life. They sat on the tip of his tongue, waiting for a question, any question, to come spilling out. He gulped and looked at Professor Slughorn, keeping his lips tightly shut. Why did Longbottom's potion skills suddenly have to improve **now**?

"Hmmm..." his overweigh teacher surveyed him carefully, looking more like a walrus than ever before. James suddenly felt the need to tell him this and bit his tongue down hard.

"Mr Potter." There was silence for a few seconds as Slughorn peered down at him. "Who set free the cage of spiders on my desk one afternoon in your second year when my back was turned?"

James tried to hold down the answer but it came tumbling out of him quickly, as if he had been waiting for that exact question for his entire life.

"Sirius did."

Sirius swore loudly and chucked 'Advanced Potion Making' at James' head. It narrowly missed him and hit the blackboard, making a loud 'thump.' Slughorn chuckled and shook his head at Sirius, who he had always been extra nice to in an attempt to coax him into joining the Slug Club.

"Anybody else have any questions for Mr Potter?" Slughorn addressed the class. James shot him a panicked look. "Friendly questions," he hastily added, nodding at the terrified 16 year old in front of him.

"Yeah!" yelled out the last voice James wanted to hear, Sirius'. "James, who was the guy who stole into the girls' dormitory's and stole the biggest bra he could find?"

James scowled and gave his best friend the finger but was forced to answer the question truthfully by the liquid churning around in his stomach.

"I was."

Howls of laughter erupted in the classroom and the girl who James had stolen the bra off shot him a dirty look and threw a book identical to Sirius' at his head, narrowly missing him once again.

"I've got one!" yelled out Mary, Lily's friend. She surveyed him with her intelligent blue eyes and a small evil smirk spread across her tiny pixie like face. Oh god, James thought; please don't be a bitch...

"Who does Sirius like? Like as in fancy, as in want, as in has a crush on."

There were giggles around the room from all the girls who clearly thought that it would be their name that would come out of James' mouth and Sirius shot his best friend a warning look. Mary sat back and smirked cruelly. James pressed his lips together as hard as he could, biting his tongue and willing himself to not speak. Sirius would kill him. But unfortunately the potion was strong enough to prise his lips apart and forced him to betray his best friend.

"You. He likes, fancies, wants and has a crush on you."

Mary made a pumping motion in the air with her right arm and stuck her tongue out at Sirius who was grinning at her as if to say 'good game,' although James could tell he was mortified.

"Ha!" Mary yelled, "I knew it! I knew you liked me! I knew no one could possibly irritate somebody as much as you irritate me every day without having a reason. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!"

Sirius showed her the finger and then turned towards James who gave him a pleading look. It wasn't his fault, he tried to convey in his big hazel eyes, it was the potion, don't be a bastard. Sirius grinned, a smirk ten times more evil than Mary's had been, and James gulped, finally realising why people were so afraid of the Black's. That look could kill.

"So Jamesie." He murmured carefully. The room went quiet as everyone watched the pair with rapt attention. Lily was clearly having some trouble in the keeping quiet part, as she bit down on the sleeve of her robe and tried not to laugh at the scene, her face turning a little red in the process. James smiled at her and then cursed himself as Sirius' face lit up with an idea, his eyes flitting between the red head and his best friend.

"Tell us." Sirius continued, in the same careful, slow voice, "Who do **you **like?"

James' mouth fell open and shut a few times as all the girls began giggling once more, apparently still sure that their names would fall from his lips. As if, came the voice in his head that sounded precisely like his best friend, as if you could say anybody but Lily's name.

"I like a lot of people Sirius." James said, stalling for time, "I like my mum, my dad, I quite like you when you're not being a miserable little bastard sitting around and moping about how Mary didn't notice you at breakfast."

Everyone burst out laughing but James looked at his friend worriedly, wishing he hadn't just said that. Sirius looked positively evil right now.

"Oh no, no, no Jamesie. I mean, who do you **love? **As in like, fancy, want, have a crush on and **love.**"

James clenched his jaw. He would not speak, he would not say the two syllable name that was desperately trying to spring from his lips, he would not embarrass himself in front of his entire Potions' class and he would not let Lily Evans know that he loved her. He couldn't, he just couldn't. The entire class was staring at him, all the girls looking a little hopeful, the guys a little curious. Lily had stopped laughing.

Come on James, came the voice once again, adding to the pressure that was building up inside him from fighting the Veritaserum, just say the name, just say Lily Evans, just say it and this can all be over and I can stop telling you how much of a girl you are.

What had Slughorn said, James thought desperately as the seconds passed by and the need to open his mouth and say her name grew, that Veritaserum could be fought, that's why it wasn't used on every person put on trial to go to Azkaban, if you were strong willed enough and not weakened you could fight it.

James clenched his fists and glared at Sirius. Five more seconds passed and then he opened his mouth. And smiled.

"Looks like Longbottom's potion wasn't quite strong enough Black."

Sirius swore loudly, scaring the daylights out of a few girls leaning by his desk, and scowled at his best friend. Remus shook his head and smiled, as if unable to believe his friends luck. Lily, although he didn't see because he was too busy laughing in Sirius' face as he tried to punch him, looked at him blankly before silently going back to her desk, ignoring the looks Snape was giving her from across the room. She cursed herself for being one of many of the girls in the room who had hoped to hear their own name fall from James Potter's lips a few seconds ago and stared at her textbook. Typical Lily, she thought, want what you now cannot have. Meanwhile James stared at her staring at her textbook and smiled, wondering despite himself what would have happened if he had let himself be found out. Just as he settled himself back down next to a scowling Sirius at their desk the voice in his head came back, sounding irritated and tired.

You dumb shit.


End file.
